So here is what I did about the hard personal questions raised in the previous post.  I took the month of March to think things over.

It was a good time.  I felt a need to dial things down, take it easy, pull back a little, let the time flow over me.  I didn’t really make plans or look forward very much.  Oddly, I pledged no shopping or use of my credit card–it seemed important.  I cleaned out my closet and gave the good stuff to charity.  I kept my usual workout schedule at Curves and my usual Saturday breakfast with my friends.  I indulged in all the reality TV shows I cared to, and didn’t feel guilty about it. 

I slept well and ate well. I searched the internet for vegetable recipes, and I cooked them.  Unexpectedly, I lost a few pounds.  My blood sugar numbers became almost perfect, consistently.

I withdrew from much of the world of electronic communication by shutting down my website and twitter and facebook, keeping just email and the telephone, which seldom rings anymore.  I stayed a faithful reader to only a very small handful of bloggers.  I did not see or hear from any clients, either new or old, and  I made no effort to do so.  When THWAM went through a bad patch of painful illness, I did my best  just to be beside him to see it through.

And all the while, I listened to the voice inside.  I wanted to know if I must alter myself and my own spiritual truths(or hide them or lie about them) in order to achieve peace and acceptance with a family member who has come at me with  large doses of what feels like arrogance, hostility, and intolerance.

What came to my mind was something that occurred about a year ago.  I was referred by my regular doctor to a high-powered local cardiologist because there was just a “little something” on a routine EKG.  This obviously very successful cardiologist treated me with such arrogance, disdain, and disrespect, even though I passed his tests, that I was stunned.  He did not listen to anything I had to say, gave me no credit for a brain, and was most reluctant in the end to admit that my heart is working fine.  It was a thoroughly unpleasant experience.  It could have made me cry and left me believing that I had done something wrong and I deserved what I got.

But I did not wimp out at this assault of negativity.  No, I did not.  I got mad, refused any follow-up appointments, let him know I wasn’t happy, told my own doctor that he was never to send me to this man ever again, and so forth.  I stood up to it, protected myself from taking it in, and thoroughly understood that the fault was not mine.

Now the assault of negativity and disapproval  has come from a much  closer and more powerful source, but there are similarities.  This time I am not angry, but I am very, very sure that I am not required to accept what is given.  I have a right, maybe an obligation, to protect my spiritual self and my spiritual life.

I have offered to talk one-on-one, but so far there has been no response to that.  Until there is, I will hold myself apart, for my own good.  Perhaps things will get better,  or perhaps they will not.

I’m fine, I’m good, I’m strong, I’m sure.  I am who I am, take it or leave it.  I’m okay with whatever you choose.

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Early in my month of thinking, THWAM sent me this quote, remarking that it seemed appropriate.  I love him AND Dr. Seuss!

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”            Dr. Seuss